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  • Room 9

The Pain I Caused

I was laying in bed the other night with my BFF Christine. On this particular evening we decided to partake in a rare event called "watching a movie". This is something that does not happen very often. Most of our time spent together involves reading, writing, laughing, and talking. But this night we happened to decide on watching the movie " A Beautiful Boy'' starring Steve Carell. This movie is about a boy who struggles for many years with a methanphetamine addiction. After the movie ended Christine rolled over turned the light off and she assumed our normal night time position of resting her head on my chest. A few minutes of silence later, with a pensive vibe in the air, she just started sobbing uncontrollably. As I lay there with her, holding her tighter and tighter with each tear and sniffle, I was once again reminded of all the pain I have caused the people who love and care so much about me. The saying "you don't ever have to pick up a drug to have addiction totally flip your life upside down" was weighing so heavy on my heart and mind at that moment.

As an addict it's incredibly difficult to face all the pain that you have caused the people around you. They sit in front of you pleading with you to stop, asking you over and over again "what can i do to help?". Tears pouring down their cheeks, snot running down their nose, you know you should speak up but you don't. You can't bare to set aside your pride and speak one word of honesty. The truth is, they are helpless. They are helpless at least until you are willing to admit you need help.

Trying to face the pain that you have caused your loved ones is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things about staying sober. You get cleaned up because of the pain you are causing everyone just to have the bombardment of even heavier feelings, from the pain you have caused, sucker punch you in the back of the head. That observation and bombardment brings upon you a never ending pile of shame and guilt being stacked upon your shoulders higher and higher. This is soon followed up by one negative thought and emotion after another. You can't stand to bare this weight so you run back to the original cause of this sorrow. You run back to the exact thing that caused it in the beginning, drugs. You know if you just use again the shame and guilt will be lessened. But soon after.....tears, snot, and pleading begin all over again.

I have found that there is basically one thing that can stop this cycle. It takes so much honesty, perseverance, courage, and determination to obtain it. What is it that can bring you back from the pits of hell? It is self-love. It is the kind of love that brings one to a point to be able to forgive, believe, accept, and have confidence in ones self. It's the kind of love that gives you the ability to look into the mirror and smile. It's the kind of love that brings comfort in the midst of vulnerability. It is the only thing that can give you the strength to carry the weight of all your mistakes of the past. As this love starts to heal your wounds you can start to look at and live with your demons, darkness, pain, and regrets. You will start to feel that it is ok to be imperfect. In fact, you will start to see that your imperfections are what makes you beautiful and is your greatest teacher and guide for future growth.

There is not a step by step recipe for finding and holding onto this ineffable feeling of love. There is not a link on a website that will allow you to obtain this. It is a different way, path, and journey for each individual. It is up to you to find it, and by all means it is not an easy task. After all vulnerability is uncomfortable and painful. Digging through your junk can outright suck at times, but it's the only way to the top.