My Judge Is a Problem
There was a point in my life where I realized there was two voices in my head. Before you start wondering if I have gone crazy or insane, hear me out. There is a voice that says stuff, it's observing and constantly talking. Lets call that voice "the sayer". Then there is the voice that is constantly judging everything that is being said and observed. I call this voice "the judger". That is the voice I want to talk about here, the judge. It is so deeply ingrained in us most of the time we don't realize we are even doing it. I believe this voice is there for us to have the capability to continuously improve on our individuality. It can let us know when we screwed up, where we screwed up, and how we can fix it. The problem is the majority of us allow this voice to beat the crap out of ourselves. Saying things like "you idiot, how could you forget that?" or "you can't do anything right, you fail at everything". We then end up finding ways to punish ourselves. Sometimes we get depressed or anxious, some of us even love to head into the world of self-sabotage. This is just when we judge ourselves. What happens when our "judger" is judging others?
For this part I want to share an email I got, from an incredible human, on this subject. His name is Aubrey Marcus. He is the host of a podcast I love called "The Aubrey Marcus Podcast" and you can check out everything he does at his website AubreyMarcus.com. I just could not pass up sharing this with everyone. It really hit home for me, got me thinking and I can only hope it does the same for you. We need to start paying attention to how we talk to and judge ourselves and, with equal concernment, how we judge others.
"I have a problem being a judge. I am so deeply conditioned in this archetype that I do it all the time. First and foremost with myself.
Did you do what you should have done today, Aubrey? Is that jealousy? You can’t still be feeling those petty emotions, can you?
That’s when my judge is asking questions. It’s worse when he starts making proclamations.
See, nothing you do even matters. You’re not progressing or growing fast enough. If you were actually any good, things would already be so much better by now.
Yep, that’s my good ol’ judge for you. He’s mean as shit. Not only that, he oversteps his bounds. He not only judges, but he demands punishment.
If it’s myself that he’s judging, then it’s easy to carry out the sentence. I can just become depressed, or anxious, or sad. Or I can just deny myself the nourishment of my own love.
If it is someone else I am judging, well that is tricky. Because remember, once the judge is judging, it demands that the punishment is served. But it isn’t possible for me to punish most people. First of all, I’m not quite pathological enough to actually try. The exception being those that I’m in a romantic relationship with. I can punish them. And I’m not talking about in a naughty sexual way, I’m talking about expressing anger or the removal of love. I can do the same with friends or employees too.
Mind you, this is all predicated on the delusional fallacy that I should be judging someone in the first place–as if I have any place, any right, or enough perspective to judge anyone!
But here is where things get even more squirrely: Let’s say someone I love is interacting with someone else, and I judge that someone else to have done something wrong. So that means I want the person I love, to carry out the punishment the other someone deserves. Let me give you a concrete example. “Sirena” goes on a date with “Bo”. Bo gets too drunk, and starts to get aggressive with her. Sirena tells me about it, I call up Bo, and I ask him what the fuck his problem is. Bo apologizes, and I forgive him. Kinda. Years go by, Bo does some internal work, gets mostly sober, and then Bo and Sirena go on a few dates. Sirena has sex with Bo.
I’m fucking irate! Because you see, even though I had “forgiven” Bo, the judge had issued him a life sentence of NOT FUCKING SIRENA. But I can’t carry out that sentence, that’s up to Sirena. So not only am I annoyed that Bo evaded his life sentence, I’m annoyed with Sirena for helping him escape his punishment.
Can you see the pathology here? How exhausting. Good thing it’s just a hypothetical example (*coughs, diverts eye contact).
The problem here is not Bo, it’s not Sirena, it's ME. I gotta stop judging. This doesn’t mean that I have to stop firing people, or having boundaries with my time. That’s just running a business and living life. I can do all that without judging though. I can recognize behavior I don’t approve of, I can communicate that behavior, and I can exercise the right to enjoy my own life. But not to demand a punishment. Not to hold a grudge. That’s the judgment I’m talking about."
- Aubrey Marcus
After reading this email/blog, I got from Aubrey, I started to pay even more attention to how often I fall into this "judge and punish" way of thinking. To say the least it happens quite often and it takes me quite some time to realize I am even doing it. As I started paying attention more and more I started to see that I would catch myself falling into the judgement sooner and sooner. For now just work on becoming aware of the "judger" in your head. Before you know it you will be using that voice for the greater good of yourself.